Women's Health: Forgiveness - Is it really that important?

Forgiveness – Is it really that important?

Are you able to forgive others for their infractions against you? Are you able to forgive yourself for past mistakes? Do you find it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself?

Maybe your inability to forgive yourself and others is because of your definition of forgiveness. What definition do you use for forgiveness? Is it the belief that by forgiving someone you let them off the hook? Do you believe that to forgive is saying that what happened was okay? If that is the case, no wonder you are having such a hard time forgiving.

Let’s take a look at a different definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that you can not change the past. Isn’t it easier to find forgiveness now? Another way to look at forgiveness is through the concept of control. If you are unable to forgive others then you are harboring feelings of bitterness, anger and guilt, which in turn effects how you experience each day. These feelings cloud how you deal with others and experience life. As a result the person you are unable to forgive is controlling your life. Wouldn’t you rather take back your control? Wouldn’t you rather experience the beauty of each day? Take the first step and begin to forgive those who have hurt you, including yourself.

I know it is easier to say then it is to do. To help you get started let’s take a look at the different stages of forgiveness. In most cases there are four stages to the forgiveness process; 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) acceptance and 4) compassion.

Denial is pretty similar to blowing the issue off. When you are in denial you are quick to forgive and move on. However, the truth is that you never truly moved past what happened you are just pretending it didn’t happen. That may work for a while but sooner or later the unresolved issue will show up again. One way it might show up is through anger. You may begin to experience inappropriate levels of anger and anger in unrelated areas of your life for no apparent reason. The reason is the unforgiven issue; you just haven’t realized it yet.  The key to getting through this stage is awareness; listening to your language and behavior and see if it is justified or is it rooted in unforgiveness.

Anger is the next step. This is where many of us stay stuck. This is when unforgiveness becomes an excuse to live in mediocrity. This is the stage when you hear a lot of “I would be happy only if this hadn’t happened” or “I can not succeed because such and such happened”. If you don’t work through this stage of forgiveness you begin to spiral into self-pity; which turns into “why me” and “life is so unfair”.  Venting your anger is key to getting past this stage. Some healthy ways of releasing your anger is through anger letters, venting partners and physical outlet.

If you are able to move past the denial and the anger you will begin to accept what happened. Realizing that whatever it was that went wrong is reality and no matter how hard you try to “wish” it away it still is. When you are able to accept you stop blaming and start taking back control over your life. You are more than halfway to forgiveness at this stage. The key element in moving through acceptance is forgiveness letters.

The final stage is compassion. This is the hardest stage to get to and many are unable or unwilling. Getting to this stage is a truly freeing experience and everyone should strive for it, it is worth all the pain to get to this point. Compassion is the ability to see the event from the other person’s perspective. You are basically able to put yourself in their shoes and see where that person was at the time of the event. Being able to get to this stage is empowering and you are finally able to take back total control over your life. Make an effort to get here; you will be glad you did. A tool that you can use for finding compassion for you or for others is by writing thank you letters. This allows you to see the good in the experience and gain insight to what you learned and gained from the event. I am a strong believer that you can grow and learn from any experience even if it is a bad one.

Make the commitment today to begin to find forgiveness in your life. Take the first step by making a list of all of those people you are unwilling to forgive and begin working through the forgiveness process. Before you know it you will be taking back the control of your life.

Article written by Lisa Fredette

Lisa Fredette, a weekly Contributor to The Women's Nest,  is a CTA Certified Life Coach, RCI Certified Relationship Coach, Voice America Radio Host – Living Passionately: Getting Beyond Divorce, Professional Speaker, Co-Author of Wake up Women: Be Happy, Healthy and Wealthy, Author of Turning your Divorce into a Celebration of Life E-book Series, the owner of Passionate About Life Coaching and the founder of the Passionate About Life Divorce Recovery Club. As a coach Lisa supports women in their divorce recovery so they can reclaim their personal power thru their divorce. http://www.lisafredette.com