What does it mean to be a step parent?

What does it mean to be a step parent? I have pondered this question for eleven years now. Sometimes, when things are very, very good, I think I totally get what it means. Other times, I'm not so sure.

What I have come to realize is that as a step-parent, you have all of the responsibility of a biological parent without any of the authority or respect. Yup, ladies, this is what I truly believe. You see, kids know how to "play" parents at every age -whether they are three, thirteen, or thirty, they learn very quickly how to manipulate when they are products of divorce. And what child, teen, young adult wouldn't do what they could to get things to go their way?

I'm sure there are many other step parents out there, right? I certainly can't be the only one on the planet. In fact, I probably know more as many step parents as I know biological parents (and please don't call us "real" and "not real" parents, because parenting is parenting - no ifs, ands, or buts about it). You know the feeling when things are going great - that satisfied peaceful energy that flows through your house, where chaos is managed and emotional buckets are equal for everyone. And you also, I am sure, know that awful sinking feeling of when the tables begin to tilt.

If you are like me, you stand below the sinking table mustering up all of your strength, coddling, bending over backward, just to make things right, and yet, you don't have the power to make it right. Only the child possesses that power.

We step parents are the runners of errands, the givers of smiles and kudos, the shoppers, drivers to work and school, and homework helpers. We are also, unfortunately, the scapegoats, the "mean" ones when things don't go how a child/teen invisions their days/nights, and the lever that the child/teen knows they can pull to make their bio mom or dad pull for them harder, pity them.

We are the scut workers of the family. Our spouses believe we should act like bio-parents but not gain the respect or hold the authority that the bio parents have. And thus, there we are, left to sail the lonely sea of step-parents. Smiling and continuing on as lesser parents buy gifts, redo bedrooms, and slander us to no end.

I do love my step children, as I'm sure many of you (if not all) do. But I have to tell you, step parenting is by far the hardest job I have ever had in my life, and as a step parent, I don't have the tools to make things wonderful when the children decide to make things hard. What's a s/p to do? The million dollar question is, Had you known what it would be like to be a step parent, would you do it all over again? I would certainly not want to think of a life without my husband. But I have no great answer, either.