Read Me! Accountability!

 

Accountability

This is an important lesson I learned when going through my Relationship Coaching for Singles Training a few years ago and I wanted to share it with you. The training was held once a week. In the second last class we were to identify a goal that we wanted to reach and then list 1-3 action steps we were willing to take by the next class and report back to the class on how we did. Luckily, this class was just before Christmas so it gave us an additional week to complete our action steps.

At the beginning of the next class, which was also the last class, we were asked to report on what we completed. The whole idea behind the exercise was to experience how accountability can be a motivator. Many of the participants had stated that they were much more driven to do the action steps because they knew they had to report back to class how they made out.

Obviously this was just a generic test, but statistics back this up as well.

Behavior                                                         Probability

Come up with an idea                                           10%

Consciously decide to adopt the idea                  20%

Set a date to complete                                           40%

Put a plan in place                                                 50%

Commit to someone else                                       65%

Have a specific accountability appointment        95%

After the class I reflected on the exercise. When I was listening to the other class members’ talk about how motivated they were because they did not want to let the class down and look like failures, I wondered whether or not success could be had if they chose to be accountable to themselves as well. This is important since we don’t always have someone or a group to hold our feet to the fire.

That is when I started to remember a particular situation where that did occur for me. My husband and I separated in the month of January. In February I attended an intensive weekend workshop. In that workshop I was introduced to “acknowledgements”.  Acknowledgements are used to help you identify positive things about yourself.

The way it works is everyday you are suppose to identify five things that you acknowledge yourself for, starting each acknowledgement with “I acknowledge myself for …..” . I thought this was a cool idea and thought I would give a shot. So when I came home from the weekend workshop I dusted off my journal and started my daily acknowledgements.  Since everything was new and different everyday due to the separation I had no problem coming up with acknowledgements initially.

Well as the weeks went by it became harder and harder to come up with acknowledgements. But I wasn’t willing to quit. What happened was I found that I started to think of things that I could do differently so I would have something to acknowledge myself for each day. Little by little I started to step outside my comfort zone and take a risk just so I could have something to right in that blasted journal at the end of the day.

One particular situation sticks in my mind still today. As I mentioned earlier my husband and I separated in the month of January. My birthday is in April. So I found myself facing a birthday alone during a period of emotional turmoil. Well I resolved that I would not spend it alone and unhappy. So I decided I would throw myself a birthday party. This was a huge step outside my comfort zone, as one of my greatest fears in life is “rejection” and this was definitely a way to set myself up for rejection. I hand delivered my hand made invitations and had an amazing response. I must say it was probably one of the best birthdays I ever had.

I have my commitment to “acknowledgements” to thank for having the strength to take this step. After all I needed something to write in my acknowledgement journal. So again, I ask can we be just as successful by being accountable to ourselves as we are being accountable to others? I say, yes!

What is it that you want to achieve? How will you achieve it? Can you be your own support system when others are not available? Give it a try. Start your acknowledgement journal today. See how just a few entries can help you see you and your world a little different.

Chat with Coach Lisa HERE!

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Read Me! Avoid the 14 Dating Traps!

Avoiding the 14 Dating Traps

- Dating Trap #1-

Doesn’t it seem strange that the two things that have the potential to make the greatest and most profound impact on our lives come with no directions or training manual? When was the last time you saw relationship skills or parenting skills in the school curriculum – yet if we screw these two things up there can be major consequences. I often wonder why these skills are not considered as important as writing, reading and arithmetic. Any thoughts?

While you dwell on that dilemma let me get started on this week’s article. Over the next few weeks I will reveal to you the fourteen different dating traps and their solutions. Sorry no parenting skills in this series – maybe the next one. Hopefully this series of articles will help fill the relationship skills void a bit for you.  These dating traps were developed by David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute and the author of Conscious Dating.

The first trap is the Marketing Trap. I am sure that you can probably relate to this trap - we all have done it at one time or another, unless of course you never dated before. The marketing trap is when you present yourself to your date or potential partner in a trumped up or false way. Similarly to what advertisers do when trying to sell their products. When you fall into the Marketing Trap, you fear that nobody wants you as you really are.So you try really hard to make sure the other person doesn’t see the real you. You know ladies, pretending to like football when you can’t stand it just so you can impress your guy. And gentlemen you are just as guilty pretending to like those chick flicks to impress the girl. So what happens when you start a relationship with these false pretenses, eventually at least one of you becomes comfortable enough in the relationship to let your guard down and start being real. When this happens resentment and animosity sets in right? After all he used to watch those chick flicks and now he won’t – he must not love you any more. Ever hear anyone say – you aren’t the man/woman that I knew when we first met. That is because you fell for the marketing trap or they ensnared you in the marketing trap. How do you avoid the trap?

You can avoid the marketing trap by being authentic. Show the world, that means your potential partner, your true self. I know, we are programmed not too because we are fearful of being rejected, but isn’t it easier to be rejected at the beginning of a relationship then after you have become emotionally entrenched? I believe we attract those into our lives that reflect who we are and if we are faking it or marketing ourselves we will attract the same to us. So my challenge to you is to be real – show the world your authentic self – whatever that may look like. Don’t fall in to the marketing trap because if you do you risk disappointment and relationship failure.

Need help uncovering your authentic self and avoiding the marketing trap? Then sign up for a
30 complimentary coaching session today!  

Be sure to come back next week when I reveal dating trap #2 – the Packaging Trap.

 

Chat with Coach Lisa HERE!

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Read Me! Enjoying the Holidays as a Single

 Enjoying the Holidays as a Single

The snow is falling, houses are all a glow with Holiday decorations, carolers are singing holiday songs and the excitement of the coming holiday is in the air. Stores are full of gift ideas and people are discussing their upcoming holiday plans with anticipation and excitement. There is no better time of year than the holiday season, right? Not if you’re single – at least that is what many think. Being single during the holiday’s can be the greatest experience ever – as long as you plan for it.

The key to successfully surviving and even thriving during the holiday season is all in the planning. If you know you will be alone plan for it. This is even more important if you are recently divorced and this is the first holiday season alone. You probably have all kinds of visions in your head of past holidays, traditions that you believe are now broken and the holidays will never be the same.  This could not be truer, but it is not a reason to mourn it is a reason to celebrate. Were those traditions truly a representation of you or are they things that you felt you should do or had to do because that is how it has always been? Now is the time to break free from those strict conventional beliefs and begin developing holiday traditions that are a reflection of your true self.

So I challenge you to begin dreaming of your perfect day – is it being surrounded by people who lift you up, or maybe it is a day of solitude where you truly honor yourself, or maybe it is a day of pampering with bubble baths, soft music and candle light. Romance yourself and celebrate on your own terms – no one said that you had to make turkey or put up a tree or whatever it is that represents your past holiday traditions. Find your own way - starting today.

Let me share with you an example. This example is not about the Holiday season but it was a holiday nonetheless – my first birthday separated from my husband. I was turning thirty-six and I was determined not to spend my birthday alone, as in the past it was always spent with my husband and daughter. So I decided the only way I could ensure I wasn’t going to be alone is to throw my own birthday party. That’s right ladies - I threw myself a birthday party. I would have to say this was the most terrifying experience of my life – but it was the best birthday I ever had.

How will you take control of your holiday season to ensure that it is a success? Begin your planning today so you will not only survive but thrive as a single during the holidays. Celebrate your freedom!

Too afraid to go it alone – then ask for support and encouragement by hiring a coach. Sign up for a 30 minute complimentary reclaim your personal power coaching session  and ensure your holiday is a great success.

 

Article written by Lisa Fredette

Chat with Coach Lisa HERE!

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Read Me! Gratitude

 Gratitude 

I recently had a discussion with my daughter about internal self talk. During our conversation I was reminded how easy it is to think negative thoughts about ourselves and how difficult it is to think positive thoughts about ourselves and our lives. I wondered to myself, then out loud to my daughter, why is it that we are so quick to judge ourselves and find fault? It is not like we are all born with some negative thinking gene, are we? It is just as easy for us to say positive things about ourselves as it is to say negative, so why do we choose the negative? Why is it that we are so quick to believe the negative thoughts and not the positive?

Let's try a quick exercise to see where you are on your self talk meter:

First Step: List Five Positive things about yourself.

Second Step: List Five Negative Things about Yourself.

Okay, first were you able to come up with five positive things? If yes, congratulations. If no, keep reading.

Now tell me did you fill up your five negative things list? Was it easier or harder than the positive things? If you were unable to fill the negative, congratulations! But if it was easier than the five positive, then keep reading.

So if we are not born with a negative self talk gene, why is it that we are quick to judge ourselves and others in such a negative way? I am not sure of the answer, but I believe that it has a great deal to do with our protective armor. What is protective armor? It is the layers and layers of protection that we build up around ourselves each time we are rejected, hurt, disappointed, fail, etc. We are taught that all of these things are bad so we try to insulate ourselves from them. If they happen often enough we begin to see ourselves and the world in a very negative way.

So what is the answer to changing all this negativity? Change your thinking!!! Sounds too simple right, but it is that simple. The negative beliefs were taught to all of us and we choose to accept them. So just teach yourself to think positive thoughts and choose to accept them in their place. A gratitude journal is a great tool to change negative thinking into positive thinking. What is a gratitude journal and how does it work?

Any journal or notebook would work, but I recommend starting with the Simple Abundance Gratitude Journal, by Sarah Ban Breathnach. The objective of the journal is to force you to think about all the things that you are grateful for in your life. You are to identify five things everyday that you are grateful for and write them down in your journal.  The Simple Abundance Gratitude Journal is great for this because it provides the five lines for each day and is divided by month so it is easy to keep track of where you are. If you do this exercise everyday for at least a month you will see how your thoughts will begin to change and before you know it you will notice how your thoughts automatically turn to positive thoughts as quickly as they used to embrace the negative.

I encourage you to begin this exercise today. Purchase your journal and start writing, you will be grateful you took the few minutes each day to focus on the good!!!

If you need additional support in changing your negative self talk I encourage you to hire a coach. Feel free to contact me for a 30 minute Reclaim your Personal Power Coaching Session today and start turning that negative self-talk around.

Chat with Coach Lisa HERE!

Read Me! How to Know He is Not The One

 How To Know He Is Not The One

I think it is pretty fair to say that all relationships start out pretty much the same way. You meet someone that interests you – you give them your number and then you wait and wait and wait for them to call. That’s right ladies there is the unwritten rule of the three day waiting period before he calls you for that date.

Before you know it you are seeing each other regularly, in fact you get all excited anticipating the next time you will see him. Both of you are on your best behavior – you are very conscious about the way you dress, how you interact and most important you take care of your looks – which means shaving your legs regularly, right ladies?

The relationship is moving along at a decent pace and before you know it you are a year or two into the relationship, you have moved from the dating to the exclusive stage. And, undoubtedly you have gone from the best behavior, conscientious, heart palpitating can’t wait to see you stage to the boy when he does (insert pet peeve) it really drives me crazy stage.

If all relationships start out the same and progress along a similar path why do some relationships last and others don’t? Why do you think some couples are happy after a long period of time and others are not? How do you know when he is the one or when you should bail?

The answer to all of these questions comes down to one simple answer – being a conscious dater. The conscious dater is the person who is really in tune with who they are and what they want in life. The conscious dater is able to attract the right partner into their life because they know what they require from a partner and a relationship and won’t settle for less.

So let me ask you this – do you know when he is not the one – before you get your heartbroken? Do you know what your requirements are? Do you know the difference between needs, wants and requirements and how they affect your relationship?

Determining whether he is the one or not is as simple as determining whether or not he matches your needs, wants and requirements for a relationship. What, you don’t know what your needs, wants and requirements are? Here is how to find out – take out three pieces of paper, on the top of the first page write needs, on the second page write wants and third page write requirements and make a list of each. Use this information to help you determine whether he is the one or not.

Needs are negotiable. If they go unmet, unrest is the result, but compromise or open communication can generally resolve this problem. Needs fall into two categories – functional and emotional. Functional needs are the routine events that must occur for your life to work the way you envision it. Emotional needs are the ones if met make you feel loved. 

Wants are really the least important element of a relationship. One want is easily replaced with another when the first goes unmet or is satisfied. Wants are really not crucial for a successful relationship and should not be the sole basis as to why you are or are not in the relationship.

Requirements are the essential element for a successful relationship. Requirements are non-negotiable or deal breakers. If your requirements are not being met, once you have identified what they are, then you know for sure he is not the one – time to get out! Requirements support your relationship plan.

So do you want to be able to know that he is not the one before you invest too much time into a relationship? Then take the time today to identify what your needs, wants and requirements are for a relationship. Need support in narrowing it down and developing your relationship plan then sign up for a 30 minute reclaim your personal power coaching session and get started.

 

Chat with Coach Lisa HERE!

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Wake Up Women!

Wake up Women: Be Happy, Healthy and Wealthy – The most anticipated co-authored book “for women by women” of the 21^st Century has been released. Wake up to the Possibilities of Life and Reclaim your Passion. Discover the courage to alter your thoughts, your perception, your reality, and ultimately change your life as you read the words of other women who have been where you are. Our very own Lisa Fredette and the other authors have included tools, strategies and processes to Transform Your Life, in the form of “golden nuggets” of guidance that will ignite your unique Sense of Self and empower you to Manifest Your Dreams. Be sure to get your copy today and give one to a friend or daughter so they too can be awakened to what is possible.

Buy it here!

Learn more about Coach Lisa Here!

Women's Health, Divorce Recovery: What is Your Favorite Color?

 

What is your Favorite Color?

Were you able to easily answer this question? Or did you have to take some time to think about it before you figured it out? Or maybe your answer was; I have no idea.

This seems like a pretty simple question to answer on the surface right? Not so if you have been in a long term relationship or a marriage. It is not uncommon for partners in a relationship to lose their own voice. This is even more common for the women in a relationship, as we often time set aside what is important to us as we focus on our mate and our children. I know this was the case for me and I often times found it hard to differentiate between my voice and theirs. I have to admit I made a pretty awesome chameleon in my day.

So what happens when that marriage or long term relationship ends? The answers to such simple questions as “What is your favorite color”, become more difficult. You are now forced to look inside yourself and find out what it is that makes you tick; that is if you want to be happy and content after your marriage or relationship ends.

How do you find out what makes you happy if you buried your dreams for the sake of your family/mate? Great question! The first step for me was to sit down and make a list of all the things that I wanted to do or have now that I was accountable to no one but me. That was easier said then done. Yes, I sat down, and pulled out my trusty journal and just stared at the blank page. I realized then that my future was a blank canvass, how intimidating or should I say terrifying. But I was up to the challenge and soon found that the more appropriate phrase was “how exciting”. My future was of my making, wow talk about empowerment!

I persevered and it was difficult, because my wants and needs were pushed so far down inside me that I had a hard time finding them. They slowly began to surface, however, once I put the idea out there. Being aware of my desire to be the true and authentic me allowed my daily focus to be on me. By doing this I was able to pay attention to those things around me that energized me.

For example, I never finished college because I got married and had my daughter. This dream of being a college graduate I found never truly died, so I put that on my list. How did I uncover this lost dream? Well, when I started on my journey toward rediscovering myself, I continually came across advertisements for the University of Phoenix. Eventually, I realized that the reason I was noticing these advertisements so frequently was because I really wanted to get my degree. Awareness is half the battle! So after a few false starts I finally made the phone call and enrolled in the program. I am proud to say, two and a half years after that call I received my Bachelor’s Degree. See nothing is impossible! So start making your list today!

Not all of the things on my list consisted of things that came from my past dreams. I began to notice new things that I would never have attempted to do when I was married, that I wanted to try and/or experience. How did I find these things? I began engaging in conversations with the people around me. One of my co-workers was a prime example. She was an avid skier and runner. I was impressed. So I started asking her questions. Her passion and enthusiasm for both sports really came through in her conversation. So I thought, why not give it a try. So I started to run and I attempted to ski. I found that I had a passion for running, but the skiing not so much. So I hung up my skis and married my running shoes.

You don’t have to wait for an end of a relationship to start rediscovering who you are and what you want from life. You too can take the time to make a list of the things you want to enjoy and experience. Don’t let the demands of your mate or children be the excuse for living in mediocrity. Start becoming the person you were put on this earth to be, starting today! Doesn’t the world deserve to experience the greatness of you?

I still continue today to look for things to add to my list. Prior to this journey, I dreaded the beginning of each new day, now I embrace each new day with joy and excitement, open to finding something new and exciting to add to my list of things to experience. One thing that I can assure you of, there are two things that will never be on my list they are parachuting and mountain climbing. But, maybe you want to add those to your list. You won’t know until you get started.

Next year will come regardless, what do you want to have experienced when it does? I encourage you to purchase that journal and start making your list today.

If you need help uncovering those buried dreams I encourage you to hire a coach today. Sign up for a 30 minute Reclaim your Personal Power thru your Divorce Recovery Coaching Session or for more tools to help you rediscover what makes you tick download the “Getting Reacquainted with You” e-book.

 

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE.

Women's Health: Ten Ways to Get Over Him

Ten Ways to Get Over Him

You really thought he was the one – the love of your life. Then you wake up one day and the relationship is over. Now what do you do? How do you get over him? How do you put the pieces of your life back together without him?

Great questions! Here are ten ways to get over him:

 

1. Don’t Listen to Other People’s Advice – you know what happens when others find out your relationship is over, they try to give you advice. There is no question that the advice is meant to be helpful, but it is not always the right advice for you. So the first step in getting over him is to not listen to other people’s advice. Believe it or not you know what is right for you – it may just take sometime to figure out what “right” is. So that brings me to strategy number two.

2. Accept yourself where you are – the end of a relationship can be very traumatic. You may not always make the right choices at first, you may behave in a not so flattering way and you may even make some serious mistakes. I know I acted in some pretty strange ways and did some pretty strange things when I was faced with the end of my relationships. That is okay, be accepting of where you currently are in your healing process.  When I finally decided to be accepting of me, I was able to see what my healing pattern was and as a result was able to heal more quickly the next time – because I knew what I needed to do to move forward. We all heal at different levels, so give yourself a break and be accepting of where you are right now – don’t rush it because others say you should. Only you know what you can handle and when.

3. Don’t blame yourself – when a relationship ends it is easy to start pointing fingers and placing blame, believing that it has to be someone’s fault that the relationship ended rather than accepting that this particular relationship ran its course. I am sure there are things that you did or said that you wish you could change now. You may even believe that those things caused the relationship to end. Rather than blaming yourself for the action or words learn from them. Take this time to learn about yourself and what aspects of your life you would like to change so you can attract a more compatible partner into your life the next time.

4. Listen to your intuition – you know that little voice in your head that gives you hints about how you feel, what you value and believe. Now is the time to really listen. Your intuition will help you make the right choices for you and guide you in the right direction. Pay attention to what your intuition is telling you – this is your compass that will help direct you out of the emotional fog that is surrounding you – so you can begin to face the reality of the situation – the relationship is over.

5. Face Reality – Byron Katie said “when you fight with reality you lose but 100% of the time”. Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them … the first time”. If he told you it is over then it is over – even if he talks to you the next time you see him, still calls once and a while or it seems like he still cares. Stop reading more into his actions then what is really there, stop wishing and hoping that the situation was different. Thoughts like these keep you stuck in the past – stopping you from moving through the healing process and better things to come. Just think, if you are too busy trying to hold on to something that is no longer there your true love may walk right by and you will never meet him. You wouldn’t want that to happen now would you?

6. Ask for Help – if you can’t move past the loss of this relationship alone, then ask for help. When I say ask for help I mean help from a non-biased, unattached party – not your best friend or your mother. They can be a great support system when you need a shoulder to cry on or to vent, but be careful they can be part of the reason why you are having a hard time moving forward. You may want to consider hiring a coach, talking to minister or joining a support group to help you get through the roughest patch.

7. Get Angry – allow yourself to get angry, it is a great tool for moving through the pain of a broken relationship. Let’s be real, your going to get mad, it is part of the package. So let it rip. With that being said, you need to find a safe outlet for your angry feelings. You can’t just go over to your ex’s house and punch him out – I know that is what you were thinking.  You need to find another outlet for your anger, whether it be running, kickboxing, punching a pillow or writing anger letters. What ever method you choose is up to you – just get it out.

8. Learn to Forgive – yes it is important to find forgiveness in your heart for not only your ex but yourself as well. Forgiveness releases you from the past so you can begin to move forward. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the relationship and learn from them. Forgive him for breaking your heart or the mistakes he made that pushed you away or whatever it is you find in your heart to forgive. Remember forgiveness is really about giving up the belief that you can change the past.

9. Get Reconnected with You – the end of a relationship is a great opportunity to get reconnected with yourself. We all change, grow, evolve or stay stagnate depending on what type of relationship we were in. Now is the time to get reconnected with this new person. Without the distraction of a relationship you can really take the time to get reacquainted with your best friend – you.

10.  Move forward – start thinking about what you want your life to look like now that you are not longer in the relationship. I am sure you had a vision of what your future looked like with your partner, right? Now is the time to redefine that future. What do you want it to look like? What can you do today to start making that future a reality? Start moving forward now.

 

Congratulations you just completed the ten steps to getting over him. Great job! Not so sure that you can do it alone? Then sign up for a

30 minute complimentary reclaiming your personal power thru your divorce recovery coaching session today! Start taking the steps to getting over him and begin designing the future of your choosing.

 

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

 

Women's Health: 7 Steps to Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem After Divorce

7 Steps to Rebuilding your Self-Esteem after Divorce

The reason for and the process of divorce is as varied as the shape of snowflakes. There is however a commonality among most divorce survivors - low self-esteem. Almost everyone I have spoken to or have coached around divorce recovery have low self-esteem in common. Therefore, one of the first steps in divorce recovery should be rebuilding your self-esteem. How do you go about rebuilding your self esteem, especially during an emotionally low point such as divorce?

The answer to that question is easy – you choose to change. Okay, so the answer may be easy but the implementation may not be so easy, right?

You may assume that the most common approach may be to look at why you are suffering from such low self-esteem, but I beg to differ. The truth is that you do suffer from low self-esteem – how you got to this point is not relevant because it has already happened – can’t change that fact. All you can do is start from where you are now and decide where you want to go, so let’s get started.

Here are seven steps to help you rebuild your self-esteem

1. Surround yourself with positive people: negative people drag the people around them down and positive people motivate others to come up to their level of enthusiasm. So take a look at the people in your life – are they positive? If they are not positive people I recommend limiting or eliminating your association with these people as they will keep you stuck. Go in search for people who are positive and are living the life they love and surround yourself with them.

2. Take Risks: try something new, step outside of your comfort zone. Once you realize that you can succeed at whatever you try you will start to believe that you are good enough. If you can’t do it alone find a support buddy to try something new with or at least have them hold you accountable so you follow through when you start feeling uncomfortable.

3. Keep an Acknowledgement Journal: take the time to appreciate yourself and all that you do and contribute to the world. Begin writing down at least five things that you acknowledge yourself for doing each day, you will be amazed how wonderful you are – you just never took the time to look.

4. Make a commitment to change:  you can choose to feel good or you can choose to feel bad about yourself and your life. What do you choose? Make the commitment to change your thinking today. Start appreciating what is right in the world and in your life and change the things that you don’t like or don’t want – stop being the victim and start taking action.

5. Change your Negative Self Talk: you know that voice in your head that tells you that you screwed up, that you’re not good enough or you’re stupid? Start telling that voice to shut up and start listening to the positive self talk. I challenge you to pay close attention to what you are telling yourself in any given situation; if it is negative find a way to turn it around into something positive. You learned how to talk negatively to yourself now teach yourself how to talk positively. Believe it or not it is a choice – will you live your life in negativity or will you shine in the light of positiveness?

6. Ask for support: if you find that you just can’t make these changes on your own, but are committed to change then ask others for support. Find a coach, minister or support group to help you learn to appreciate yourself for all your greatness and leave that negative self-esteem behind.

7. Take Action: start to get moving, whether you start walking, running, going to the gym or work out at home – just do something. Physical activity is a great way to make you feel better both physically and emotionally. Make the commitment to get moving today and before you know it you will see your self-esteem skyrocket and you may even be able to fit into your skinny jeans again, who knows. Wouldn’t hurt to find out, now would it?

If you are motivated to turn that self-esteem around and start living your life in a positive light then contact Lisa Fredette for  a 30 minute Reclaim your Personal Power thru your Divorce Recovery Coaching Session today!

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Women's Health: Forgiveness - Is it really that important?

 Forgiveness – Is it really that important?

Are you able to forgive others for their infractions against you? Are you able to forgive yourself for past mistakes? Do you find it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself?

Maybe your inability to forgive yourself and others is because of your definition of forgiveness. What definition do you use for forgiveness? Is it the belief that by forgiving someone you let them off the hook? Do you believe that to forgive is saying that what happened was okay? If that is the case, no wonder you are having such a hard time forgiving.

Let’s take a look at a different definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that you can not change the past. Isn’t it easier to find forgiveness now? Another way to look at forgiveness is through the concept of control. If you are unable to forgive others then you are harboring feelings of bitterness, anger and guilt, which in turn effects how you experience each day. These feelings cloud how you deal with others and experience life. As a result the person you are unable to forgive is controlling your life. Wouldn’t you rather take back your control? Wouldn’t you rather experience the beauty of each day? Take the first step and begin to forgive those who have hurt you, including yourself.

I know it is easier to say then it is to do. To help you get started let’s take a look at the different stages of forgiveness. In most cases there are four stages to the forgiveness process; 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) acceptance and 4) compassion.

Denial is pretty similar to blowing the issue off. When you are in denial you are quick to forgive and move on. However, the truth is that you never truly moved past what happened you are just pretending it didn’t happen. That may work for a while but sooner or later the unresolved issue will show up again. One way it might show up is through anger. You may begin to experience inappropriate levels of anger and anger in unrelated areas of your life for no apparent reason. The reason is the unforgiven issue; you just haven’t realized it yet.  The key to getting through this stage is awareness; listening to your language and behavior and see if it is justified or is it rooted in unforgiveness.

Anger is the next step. This is where many of us stay stuck. This is when unforgiveness becomes an excuse to live in mediocrity. This is the stage when you hear a lot of “I would be happy only if this hadn’t happened” or “I can not succeed because such and such happened”. If you don’t work through this stage of forgiveness you begin to spiral into self-pity; which turns into “why me” and “life is so unfair”.  Venting your anger is key to getting past this stage. Some healthy ways of releasing your anger is through anger letters, venting partners and physical outlet.

If you are able to move past the denial and the anger you will begin to accept what happened. Realizing that whatever it was that went wrong is reality and no matter how hard you try to “wish” it away it still is. When you are able to accept you stop blaming and start taking back control over your life. You are more than halfway to forgiveness at this stage. The key element in moving through acceptance is forgiveness letters.

The final stage is compassion. This is the hardest stage to get to and many are unable or unwilling. Getting to this stage is a truly freeing experience and everyone should strive for it, it is worth all the pain to get to this point. Compassion is the ability to see the event from the other person’s perspective. You are basically able to put yourself in their shoes and see where that person was at the time of the event. Being able to get to this stage is empowering and you are finally able to take back total control over your life. Make an effort to get here; you will be glad you did. A tool that you can use for finding compassion for you or for others is by writing thank you letters. This allows you to see the good in the experience and gain insight to what you learned and gained from the event. I am a strong believer that you can grow and learn from any experience even if it is a bad one.

Make the commitment today to begin to find forgiveness in your life. Take the first step by making a list of all of those people you are unwilling to forgive and begin working through the forgiveness process. Before you know it you will be taking back the control of your life.

Article written by Lisa Fredette

Women's Health: Seven Steps to Rebuiding Your Self-Esteem after Divorce

7 Steps to Rebuilding your Self-Esteem after Divorce

The reason for and the process of divorce is as varied as the shape of snowflakes. There is however a commonality among most divorce survivors - low self-esteem. Almost everyone I have spoken to or have coached around divorce recovery have low self-esteem in common. Therefore, one of the first steps in divorce recovery should be rebuilding your self-esteem. How do you go about rebuilding your self esteem, especially during an emotionally low point such as divorce?

The answer to that question is easy – you choose to change. Okay, so the answer may be easy but the implementation may not be so easy, right?

You may assume that the most common approach may be to look at why you are suffering from such low self-esteem, but I beg to differ. The truth is that you do suffer from low self-esteem – how you got to this point is not relevant because it has already happened – can’t change that fact. All you can do is start from where you are now and decide where you want to go, so let’s get started.

Here are seven steps to help you rebuild your self-esteem

1. Surround yourself with positive people: negative people drag the people around them down and positive people motivate others to come up to their level of enthusiasm. So take a look at the people in your life – are they positive? If they are not positive people I recommend limiting or eliminating your association with these people as they will keep you stuck. Go in search for people who are positive and are living the life they love and surround yourself with them.

2. Take Risks: try something new, step outside of your comfort zone. Once you realize that you can succeed at whatever you try you will start to believe that you are good enough. If you can’t do it alone find a support buddy to try something new with or at least have them hold you accountable so you follow through when you start feeling uncomfortable.

 

3. Keep an Acknowledgement Journal: take the time to appreciate yourself and all that you do and contribute to the world. Begin writing down at least five things that you acknowledge yourself for doing each day, you will be amazed how wonderful you are – you just never took the time to look.

4. Make a commitment to change:  you can choose to feel good or you can choose to feel bad about yourself and your life. What do you choose? Make the commitment to change your thinking today. Start appreciating what is right in the world and in your life and change the things that you don’t like or don’t want – stop being the victim and start taking action.

5. Change your Negative Self Talk: you know that voice in your head that tells you that you screwed up, that you’re not good enough or you’re stupid? Start telling that voice to shut up and start listening to the positive self talk. I challenge you to pay close attention to what you are telling yourself in any given situation; if it is negative find a way to turn it around into something positive. You learned how to talk negatively to yourself now teach yourself how to talk positively. Believe it or not it is a choice – will you live your life in negativity or will you shine in the light of positiveness?

6. Ask for support: if you find that you just can’t make these changes on your own, but are committed to change then ask others for support. Find a coach, minister or support group to help you learn to appreciate yourself for all your greatness and leave that negative self-esteem behind.

7. Take Action: start to get moving, whether you start walking, running, going to the gym or work out at home – just do something. Physical activity is a great way to make you feel better both physically and emotionally. Make the commitment to get moving today and before you know it you will see your self-esteem skyrocket and you may even be able to fit into your skinny jeans again, who knows. Wouldn’t hurt to find out, now would it?

If you are motivated to turn that self-esteem around and start living your life in a positive light then contact Lisa Fredette for  a 30 minute Reclaim your Personal Power thru your Divorce Recovery Coaching Session today!

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Women's Health: Who is Your Hero?

 

Who is your Hero?

Do you have a hero – someone you admire? Is there someone you look up to? Do you envy someone’s strength, intelligence, humor, stamina? Do you aspire to become your hero? Why do people have heroes? Could it be because we fail to find these things in ourselves? Why is it so easy for us to see the positive characteristics of others and find ourselves lacking? What would you say if I told you that you are your hero?

Let us do an exercise – take out a piece of paper. On the top of the paper put the name of your hero or the person you admire. Got it? Okay, now list all the things that you admire about that person. Great, now look at the list – is it possible that you have all those characteristics?

I am sure that most of you answered no to the last question. You couldn’t possibly have all of those characteristics - that is why that person is your hero right – because you lack that which you admire. Well, I am here to tell you that you are wrong – our heroes are a reflection or mirror of our own hidden characteristics or qualities, we just choose to bury them or not see them.

What do you think it is that causes you to bury or hide those characteristics that you admire the most in others? Could it be fear? Fear is the reason why we are unable to live up to our greatest potential – fear keeps us stuck in our comfort zone – living in mediocrity. What are you more afraid of failure or success? My guess is success – why else would you hide your greatness?

Okay, let’s go back to the aforementioned exercise – look at the list of characteristics of your hero. Now go down your list and pick one that speaks to you the most. My challenge to you is to take the time in the next week to tap into that part of yourself - embrace that part of you in your everyday life. Be willing to step outside your comfort zone and take a risk – show the world a piece of your authentic self.  What do you have to lose?

Do the same thing for each of the characteristics on the list for the next month. By doing so you will little by little embrace your true authentic self and you will be your own hero. And who knows maybe you will become the hero for someone else and the cycle continues.

Congratulations, by reading this article you have gained the tools to step outside your comfort zone and embrace your true self. Would you like to be your own hero? Are you having a difficult time embracing those hidden qualities? Then ask for support by signing up for a 30 minute complimentary self-empowerment coaching session and take the first step toward embracing your authentic self, today!

 

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Women's Health: Working Mom Guilt

 

Working Mom Guilt!

Have you ever experienced the working mom guilt syndrome? Do you work outside the home? Do you have children? If so, I can almost guarantee that you have experienced the working mom guilt syndrome at one time or another.

I can still remember pretty clearly my bouts of the “working mom guilt” syndrome and my daughter is now eighteen. I have worked outside the home pretty much my daughter’s entire lifetime. Luckily, at first her dad and I worked opposite shifts so my daughter was with either me or her dad, except for the few hour overlap, then my mom stepped in to pick up the difference. Eventually, we both ended up working during the day, so she had to start going to a babysitter. That is when the guilt really started to kick in. Not because I didn’t feel comfortable with the babysitter, but because she was with someone other then me, her dad or her grandparents.

Boy did I torture myself over this. There are a lot of instances I can recall. One in particular occurred when my daughter started school. I was bound and determined to make sure that my daughter didn’t “suffer” because I worked outside the home, so when the inevitable note came home requesting each parent to send a treat to school, it was going to be a “homemade” treat, just like the stay at home mom’s made. Or that was what I believed anyway. So we stayed up late making cookies or candy. And they couldn’t just be ordinary cookies or candy they had to be unique, cute and special.

Undoubtedly, the vision of the stay at home moms baking cookies was my own self imposed belief and in fact, stay at home moms are just as pressed for time as the moms who work outside the home, so sooner or later we all resort to store bought treats

Maybe making “homemade” goodies wasn’t your guilt trigger it could be not having a life of your own, because you feel guilty leaving your kids with a babysitter for an hour or two during the evening or on the weekend. After all they just spent the week with a babysitter, right. So you feel guilty if you want to get together with your girlfriends for a few hours of grown-up time. Or maybe there is an organization or sport you want to sign up for but feel guilty about leaving your kids.

I can totally relate to where you are coming from, my life was my daughter. So how do we let go of the guilt? Well, my guilt releaser came from the person I was feeling guilty over, my daughter. She was around twelve years old when she told me to “get a life”. She pointed out that I had no friends or social life outside of her and encouraged me to start getting out and cultivating a life of my own. I signed up for the women’s golf league and started to, with baby steps – two hours a week, have a life away from my daughter.

Getting permission from my daughter gave me the freedom to start designing a well rounded life for myself. Not only did this benefit me it benefited my daughter too. She had a much happier mother and she no longer felt the stress of being my whole world. That is a lot of pressure to put on a child, don’t you think?

What areas of your life are you feeling guilty about? Give yourself permission to be a whole, well-rounded, person and start taking time for you without the guilt. Show your children how you take care of you so you can continue to take care of them. Give your children the gift of a happy, healthy and guilt free mom. They deserve it, don’t you think? Get out and start exploring the world, your children will eventually thank you for it! Lift the burden from your children’s shoulder of being your whole world. They don’t deserve that type of pressure, do they?

Do you need support in giving yourself permission? If so I encourage you to hire a coach and begin designing a well rounded healthy life for you and your kids. You can begin today by contacting me for a 30 minute self empowerment coaching session.

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Women's Health: Who is in Control?

 

Who’s in Control?

What emotions are showing up over and over again in your life? Is it anger, fear, regret or guilt? Are you able to deal successfully with these feelings? If they continue to show up over and over again or seem to be stronger than appropriate for the situation - I’d say it is safe to assume the answer to that question is no. Why do you suppose that is? Why are you unable to let go of the anger, fear, regret, guilt or whatever feeling that keeps showing up? Is it possible that you believe that you don’t have any control over what you feel – willing to blame others instead of taking responsibility?

Let me share with you a dialogue I recently had with someone. The basis of this conversation was that this woman was angry because she felt her ex-husband was taking advantage of her. She felt she was being generous allowing him to watch their kids in her home because he only had a one bedroom apartment, making this arrangement more comfortable for him and the kids. However, she found evidence that while he was at her house and watching their kids he was engaging in relationships with a young female. Understand this is not a debate as to whether or not she was justified in her feelings or whether he was right or wrong. It is an illustration of how you can decide how you feel and determine who is in control of your life.

Client: Okay so now I'm venting but I really need some advice here, am I over reacting?  Coach: Only you can answer this question - do you feel justified in your anger or do you feel that your reaction to this situation is overboard? – Lesson: Here she is seeking permission from others whether her feelings are justified – who is in control here?

Client: Or is it normal to be this angry? Coach:  Everyone experiences emotions at different levels - so the question is whether or not you feel that this level of anger is a normal reaction or is there more to the anger then what is showing up on the surface? What is causing such a huge level of anger? What does his behavior mean to you - lack of respect; for you, for himself, for your kids, over stepping boundaries - you not respecting your own boundaries? Dig a little deeper here and see what you find. Lesson: Here I am allowing her to take back some of the control and try to uncover what is causing the anger so she can begin to implement actions that will remove such a strong reaction in the future – again regaining control.

Client: I want to punch a wall right now! Coach: What would be an alternative method for releasing your anger? Physical outlet is a great alternative - punch a pillow maybe instead of a wall, go for a jog or long walk or write down in a notebook or a journal all the angry feelings that you are experiencing. It is definitely a good idea to release these feelings; the key is to do it in a way that is respectful toward you, your kids and yes your ex. Lesson: Here she is given permission to feel and release the emotions while maintaining control over the situation.

Client: So after I found out, I dug through his stupid myspace account, and found out she is some 18 year old girl, not sure whether she is in high school or not. Don't care he's 25! Now that may not seem a huge issue, but he has 2 kids!! That he is supposed to help take care of.  Coach: I can surely appreciate your feelings of anger here, however, is it fair to say that it would be extremely difficult and frustrating trying to control another person’s behavior (even if it is the father of your children) because we don't agree with it? How does it make you feel when you try to make him show up differently, frustrated and angry by the sounds of it, yes? What can you do differently here? How can you honor your house, your space and your children - without expecting him to be something different than he is? Lesson: Here she is challenged to try and control only that which she has the ability – herself, her feelings and her environment. The first step in finding peace in your life is understanding that we only have control over what we do and how we feel and letting go of the illusion that we have a right to control others behaviors. 

Can you see now that how you react is a matter of choice? I know it sounds easier said then done, but if you want to have control over how you live your life then you must decide how you react to situations and make choices that support what you want. So do you want to take responsibility for how your life is or do you want to continue to be at the mercy of others and allow them to determine whether you are happy or not? It’s your choice, what will it be?

If your choice is to begin to take responsibility for your happiness, then I encourage you to hire a coach to support you – sign up for a 30 minute self empowerment coaching session and get started today!

 

Article written by Lisa Fredette

To connect with Lisa, learn about Life Coaching and Divorce Recovery, or gain other self-help, click HERE

Women's Issues: Soulmate

 

Soulmate

Are you searching for your Soulmate? Do you ever say to yourself or have you heard others say, “I would be happy only if I could find my Soulmate”? What exactly is a soulmate and why are we searching for one?

Wikipedia Online Encyclopedia defines Soulmate as “someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity”.  Is this your definition of soulmate? If not what is your definition of soulmate?

When I found myself single again after my divorce, soulmate was a word I used often. After a failed relationship you really begin to evaluate what you want in a future partner and believe that you should settle for no less than your true “soulmate”.  Because after all, if you find your “soulmate” your relationship is guaranteed to last, right?

All this talk of soulmates reminds me of an episode of s*x in the City. Carrie was once again struggling in her relationships and found herself reeling from another break up. The ultimate question “why are we always searching for our soulmate” came up. Well the ladies decided that they would be each other’s soulmates and the men in their life would just be the men in their life. This would protect them from the pain of another break. Or so they thought.

This got me thinking. Is a soulmate really your other half? If that is the case, we are then searching our whole life for someone to come along and fill that void in our life, right? Seems to me that we are giving someone else a great deal of power over whether we are complete and happy in life. I don’t know about you but I am not too comfortable with giving away my power. What about you?

Thinking of soulmate in that context forced me to re-evaluate my definition of soulmate and my search for one. What I found is that I needed to be my own soulmate before I would be able to attract one. So I set out to be the person “… with whom I had a feeling of deep and natural affinity” toward. I figured out that if I could love myself unconditionally, then I did not “need” a soulmate to fulfill me I had one, me. Wow! Talk about empowering.

Well that revelation was only half the battle. The real challenge was learning to love myself unconditionally. After all aren’t we all our own biggest critics? How does one learn to love oneself unconditionally? Great question!

Some of the steps that I took toward loving myself unconditionally were through 1) forgiveness, 2) gratitude and 3) acknowledgement.

Personally, I think forgiveness is the most important element. If you are not willing to forgive yourself and others for past mistakes you will never be able to love yourself unconditionally. A great definition of forgiveness is “letting go of the belief that you can change the past”. Isn’t that so true?  Isn’t forgiveness really about accepting what happened and moving forward? The inability to forgive keeps us stuck in the past reliving the mistakes or injustices over and over again.

Recently, I heard on the OPRAH show another way of looking at forgiveness. It was stated that when one is unwilling to forgive it is like taking a daily poison and hoping the other person will die. In reality it is you who is slowly dying day by day. So I say take back your power and begin to forgive yourself and others today!

Gratitude is another import concept. Living in gratitude allows us to appreciate ourselves and the world around us. As I have written many times, keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to turn your focus from all the perceived negativity in your life to the positive.  Try it, complete this sentence; “I am grateful for …….”

Finally, acknowledgements are just as important. Can you finish this sentence, “I acknowledge myself for ………….”? For many this is tough. Acknowledgements force you to look at all that you can and have accomplished in your life on a daily basis. Again, an acknowledgement journal is great for this. Take the time daily to acknowledge yourself.  You will finally find out how wonderful you really are.

If you incorporate these small steps into your life everyday you will start to love and appreciate yourself and before you know it you will have unconditional love and will have found your Soulmate!

Do you want to find your Soulmate? Are you struggling with letting go of past mistakes? Do you have a hard time finding the positive things in your life or in you? Then I encourage you to hire a coach to support you in these areas. Sign up for a 30 minute self empowerment coaching session today!